I have always wished that I had learned to hide God’s Word in my heart at a younger age. I didn’t begin serious Bible study until 1998, and even though I’ve continued ever since and have memorized a few verses along the way, I’m sometimes shocked and sickened at the lack of fruit in my life. While doing dishes yesterday morning and feeling at the end of my rope thread, I wondered what I would be had I not half-heartedly tried to follow Jesus these many years. An ax-murderer? A ruthless commodities broker who climbed all over people to get to the top? A line cook at Taco Bell? An eccentric, hump-backed, bitter old woman who lived in the woods with her cockatiels? Yes, yes, and yes, probably.

So even though I’m dismayed by what hardship and illness has brought to our home, I’m going to keep trying in my very flawed way to follow after my Savior. I keep thanking Him that He’s willing to work with people like me and telling Him to not give up on me. In my right mind I know that I don’t need to weep out these prayers because His love and nature is such that He won’t give up on me, but sometimes I can’t help peering through the cloudy filter of exhaustion and sadness, and I have to believe it’s all right.

Years ago I wanted a way to help my grandchildren hide God’s Word in their hearts, and I remembered that when my three daughters were growing up, we had a cassette tape we listened to in the car called G.T. and the Halo Express. I found a site online to purchase CDs with all the old stories and Bible verses set to songs, and I bought every one of them. Then I began casually playing them in the car when I had the kids with me and on the bedroom CD player when they would spend the night. They loved the stories, and learned quickly to sing the songs, and within about a year or so the oldest grandchildren had effortlessly memorized over 50 scriptures. You can hear an example of Colossians 3:23-24 here.

I also decided to make little cards with the verses on them, held together by a ring, and when we took car trips they looked at the verses in print as they heard them on the CDs and hid them in their hearts by singing them. You can click to enlarge these pictures if you like.

I’ve heard that stress can do a number on your memory (cortisol, anyone?), and I already know that menopause pokes a few holes in it as well. Even so, I decided to pull out the ring of memory verses yesterday and see if any of them will come back to me if I try to sing them to myself with the melodies from G.T. This one above was instant recall. (Granted, I know this one by heart without any music, but the song was easily accessed in this troubled brain of mine, and for that I was grateful.)

And this one is still there:

And this one…I really need to meditate on and sing this one:

And these:

Yes. A million times yes.

So it’s back to the basics for me.

“I have hidden Your word in my heart, that I might not sin against You.” Psalm 119:11

I know some of you are praying for us. Thank you.

I don’t have a lot of spare time these days, as Michael’s cares have increased. He’s not usually able to walk without assistance, so I use a gait belt to help him get around — from our bed to the dining room table, from the dining room table to his recliner in the living room, from the living room to the bathroom, etc. I have to be careful even leaving the room he’s in, because he forgets that he’s having trouble walking, and sometimes gets up and stumbles. He fell a couple of days ago, but I was right there with him and was able to grab the belt and keep him from falling hard; I just sort of lowered his butt to the ground and we both ended up giggling about it a bit. It could have been a lot worse, I realize.

But I do have a lot of time to think, and I’m endeavoring to keep my mind from traveling down the rough roads of selfishness and despair, so on a good day, I think on a scripture or two. Here’s what’s on my mind today, the blessed words of Jesus Himself from Matthew 11:28-30:

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  (ESV)

And the same verses from The Message:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Edith, pictured above, sure seems to be able to live out the commands of Christ. She’s living freely and lightly — she has always been a Hallelujah Hound.

Me, I’m still learning about this. I think the key to this passage has to do with the words “gentle and lowly in heart.”

Have a blessed day, dear friends….

This is the beautiful song by Audrey Assad that is wounding and healing my heart right now. I want to hear it over and over again. I want its truth worked into my life, deeply and forever.

“I Shall Not Want”

From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God

From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

From the fear of serving others
From the fear of death or trial
From the fear of humility
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

No, I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

by Audrey Assad

*       *       *       *       *

What do you think?

I’ve been working for a long time on a post about Michael and how he’s doing, and I tried again today to finish it, but I just can’t yet. I am never at a loss for words, but when reducing to black and white the account of what is happening to the precious mind and body of my husband, I can’t seem to do it. So I’ll just wait until the time seems right.

For now I will share this link with you, so you can see a photo montage my daughter Sharon recently surprised me with. A couple of months ago she took some beautiful pictures of eight of our grandchildren with Michael, of three of our daughters (herself included) with him, and she put them all together with one of my favorite songs about being a Christian and wondering about the suffering God allows.

Be sure you have a few minutes to settle in, and turn your speakers up. The song is “Somewhere Down the Road” by Amy Grant.

I think the pictures convey what a deeply-loved man my husband is. Why God blessed me with the honor of being Michael’s wife, I’ll never know. But I thank Him…

Please click here.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

God’s peace to you all,

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

~~Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

My dear friend Diane saw the recent photos on my blog of how I rearranged the books in our living room bookshelves according to color. If you didn’t see those pictures, you can click here.

She knows the hard times we’re walking through right now, and wrote a poem for me based on some of the titles of the books in those photos, and on Michael’s and my life together. I asked her permission to share it here:

Julie’s Bookshelf

The Mystery.
The Gift! Once upon A Mother’s Time there were
Parenting Wars,
Choices, Changes .
Sometimes…. A Way of Seeing the Honey In A Child’s Heart.
Other times….Weird, Tough Stuff.

Always, though…A Heavenly Man, A Fine Romance.

Then, through The Years and The Living comes a trek through
A Long, Shadowed Forest.
Where Is God When It Hurts?
Is there A Reason?
Is all of the Pain and Suffering A Secret?
Walking with God through The Long Winter,
The Road of Blessing seems hidden West With The Night.

And finally you glimpse
A Light From Heaven
And you hear Voices of the Faithful
Singing a New Song.
You discover a New Way of Seeing. You remember to love with A Child’s Heart.
And you know you’re Walking With God to A Place of Quiet Rest.

~~Diane Aro

*       *       *       *       *       *       *

Diane is a mother, a writer, a poet, a kind, brilliant and resilient woman. We’ve been friends for over 37 years and have prayed for each other as unthinkably crushing things have come to our lives.

Her compassionate, unique and insightful poem made me cry.

The wonder of books. The love of friends. The beauty of creation. The comfort of God’s Word. The gift of family. The presence of God.

These are the things that undergird me these days…

I keep planning to share about what has happened in our lives, but it’s too huge and seems too fragile to put in black and white yet. I have tried to write about it and my words almost trivialize the changes and sorrow we’re going through. So instead I’ll put up some pictures of what I did to our living room bookcases a few weeks ago. Michael and I were watching television and I thought I’d try to rearrange our books by color. I’m still occasionally gazing at it, quite enjoying how it looks. You can click to enlarge the pictures if you like.

We have a lot more books than this in two large bookcases in our bedroom. We also have two smaller bookcases filled with children’s books in a little reading corner of our bedroom for all the grandbabies.

I think I’ll leave the books like this for a long time. Maybe forever.

This is a profound and meaningful quote to us right now….

 “Life is not a straight line leading from one blessing to the next and then finally to heaven. Life is a winding and troubled road. Switchback after switchback.

And the point of biblical stories like Joseph and Job and Esther and Ruth is to help us feel in our bones (not just know in our heads) that God is for us in all these strange turns. God is not just showing up after the trouble and cleaning it up. He is plotting the course and managing the troubles with far-reaching purposes for our good and for the glory of Jesus Christ.”

~John Piper

*         *         *         *         *         *         *

My dear husband Michael turned 65 yesterday. He told me how loved he felt when his children called to sing to him, bring cards over, and sent love notes about what kind of a dad he has been.

It was a full day and we’ll long remember it. Our friends Danny and Su dropped by with a peanut butter pie for Michael, along with a camouflage shirt and the love and ease that comes from years of friendship. Later on, Lorna and Steve came over with homemade brownies, a guitar and some music, and while Michael rested in our bedroom, they sang hymns to him. It was truly beautiful. Michael’s voice is almost gone, but during the choruses in “How Great Thou Art” and “Nothing But the Blood” he was singing his loudest and keeping time with his hands.

We were planning to go out to dinner at Michael’s favorite restaurant but had to cancel at the last minute when Sara and I couldn’t get him to the car. There are some mornings when Michael can still walk (very slowly, with tiny steps and much assistance) from the bed, down the hall, into the dining room for breakfast. But usually by early afternoon his ability to walk is almost gone. As we were trying to help him yesterday, step by step through the kitchen to the back door, he just couldn’t go any farther and was in a lot of pain, so we texted/called everyone and told them we couldn’t make it. 🙁

It is very difficult to see these changes in my once active, vibrant, funny, strong husband. How much more difficult is it for him to live it? I know the grace of God is carrying him, but there are days when I know Michael fights hopeless thoughts.

One of the cards he received yesterday made him laugh. I have never understood why Michael (and many men) enjoy bathroom humor. I love a good laugh and have been known to have a warped sense of humor, but in my opinion flatulence is just not all that entertaining. One of his cards read on the outside, “Farting is an art.” And on the inside it said, “Happy Birthday Rembrandt.” Michael loved it.

You can see on our mantel a picture that Li’l Gleegirl drew of Grandpa, and that made me smile.

I might as well call this The Snow Blog, because yet again I report to you that a winter storm warning has been posted for our part of the country, and heavy snow is supposed to begin this afternoon. The storm will last 24 hours and we’ll again have mounds and piles of it everywhere. I’ve lived in Minnesota for 33 years and cannot remember a winter like this.

Yesterday was also Millie the schnauzer’s birthday — she turned eight. She got some extra pats and crooning, but that’s about it.

I saw this recently and thought it was pretty accurate:

Have a good weekend, friends!

Blessings,

It has been a while since I’ve written on the blog. I took it down for a few weeks because a sick person was stalking pictures of my grandson. It made me angry and disgusted. Even though that person is a person, I wasn’t having charitable, gospel-sharing thoughts about him. I pray he never visits this blog again, and since all bloggers have a dashboard that allows them to check what searches are being done on their blog, I’ll be checking it now.

It doesn’t mean we can see who you are, but we can see if someone does a search in our search field, and that’s what was happening. And I learned there are things one can do.

If it happens again, I’ll have to make the blog password accessible.

So much has happened in the last month, I don’t even know where to begin. So I won’t begin right now. I’ll try to find the opportunity in the next few days to share.

I just thought I’d put my blog back up, say hello, and see if anyone is still out there. 🙂

God bless your week, and I’ll be back soon. After the new snowstorm that’s coming.