November 14, 2014 | My Jottings
I was driving recently and an old Amy Grant song came on. It was one I’ve always loved by her, and the melancholy of it swept over me and tears overflowed these dry eyes of mine and streamed down my face as I sang along. I thought of Michael as I sang and cried, and realized that lately I’ve been having difficulty remembering how he used to be, when he was vibrant and healthy.
I have flashes of memories but they seem more like snapshots in my mind, rather than moving memories. Michael climbing a ladder to install siding three stories up, whistling his joy and so surefooted. Michael coming in the back door after a long, dirty day at work, putting his woolen plaid shirt on the back of a kitchen chair and giving me a kiss while I stirred at the stove. Michael’s deep voice singing praises to the Lord next to me on Sunday mornings. His eyes, huge and kind, fixed on me when we sat across a table together at a restaurant. Walking through the woods with him and the way he knew the names of so many plants and trees. Hiking to Carlton Peak in the fall and how he bent down to pick up a globular pod of some sort at the side of the trail, cut it open effortlessly with his Swiss army knife, and showed me the labyrinth of chambers inside, each filled with a tiny worm. Michael raving about my cooking, no matter how rave-worthy it was. The way he loved all animals, especially birds and dogs. The way it felt when I’d come into the kitchen at night after all the girls had gone to bed and see him sitting at the table with his Bible open. Michael driving. Michael laughing. Michael reassuring me. Michael kissing my cheek while we waited in the checkout line at the grocery store. Michael reading the Bible out loud during our morning devotions. Michael being able to fix anything broken in the house. Michael and I having a conversation together, me understanding him and he understanding me. Michael, full of life and spirit.
I want to write about these things because I don’t want to forget. It’s alarming to me how foggy some of my memories have become. Maybe I will have memory issues someday, who knows? I want to take these memories I have and turn them over in my mind like a jeweler inspects a fine gem, to see the perfections and the flaws beneath the facets, and let the wonder and brilliance of them blind me for a little while.
So I will share this song with you all today, because in a way that’s what listening to it does for me. It stops me right where I am and helps me reflect on the thirty three years I’ve known and loved (and fought with and despaired with and prayed with and exulted with) this man. If you have the time, I found a video with the lyrics, so if you’re not familiar with the song you can see why it touches me so deeply.
I feel like Parkinson’s and Lewy Body Dementia open the door to a very long goodbye, but I don’t want to say goodbye. Michael is still very much alive because his heart and lungs and vital systems are in good shape. But we have said goodbye to so many things, and are saying farewell to things even now.
Michael and I have lived apart for 134 days now. I have a little peace when I spend my two days a week with him and see the care and love and food and activities he is experiencing. But when I come home and I get my work done here, and the house is quiet and I wander around missing him, peace is elusive. I wonder how one weighs and sorts out the benefits of outstanding physical care and safety against the aching loneliness and emotional yearnings both of us have from this whole journey. I still can’t figure it out.
Certainly Michael has been your champion and you his. Thought of you as I listened to Matt Redman’s “Never Once” today Julie. HARD times…yet we know…never once do we ever walk alone. Love & prayers!
P.s. I can’t wait to see your new frames!!!! And I wish I knew of a homeopathic helper for your lid condition ????
Dearest Jodi, Those words hit me too, about championing each other. I will now go and listen to Matt Redman’s song — thank you for thinking of us. Glasses are in — now do I want to brave the cold and go get them? 🙂 xoxo
Oh Julie……..Ohhhhhhh…….such beautiful sentiments in that song. Such wonderful memories you shared with a Christian husband. We all need to focus on the good memories of our loved ones & not forget as long as it is in our power do to so. Thank you for sharing your precious love story of your marriage with us. I’m blessed and encouraged knowing a marriage such as yours exists…
Praying you sense Jesus very near in the “empty hours” without Michael….
With hope & love…
Linda, thank you for your comments. Our marriage has been fraught with struggles like so many others. I don’t want to give the impression like we have lived wedded bliss for 33 years! God has been the glue Who has held us together, and I see Him in my husband very clearly. It is a blessing to share our faith even now, in spite of Michael’s illness. God bless you, friend! xoxo
I cannot come up with words. I completely understand. Your love, what a gift! Maybe, we are blessed to feel things so deeply. Maybe it softens us to other’s pain and grief. Maybe…. You say, what is inside me, but am not gifted or able like you. Thank you!
I know you totally understand, Peggy. And I think you express yourself with the written word beautifully! xoxo
I am getting caught up in your blog posts. I used to check it more frequently but got out of the habit when you went on a hiatus. I have to respond to this post even though more than a few days later. This song came out right after Brett passed away (24 years ago 10/26). I had it on repeat multiple times per day, I wanted to remember so desperately. Remembering is a little easier now, but I want to say thank you for bringing it back into my life today. One of those songs in my life that bring me right back into the moment I first heard it and remembering sitting with my brother the night before he passed away, like it was yesterday not 24 years ago. Jared is a year older than Brett was when he died, wow. I feel like I have lived a lifetime or two in-between. Love you Jewels ~ xxoo
So good to hear from you, Taun. I didn’t know this song was meaningful to you too. I understand what you’re saying, in my own way. I didn’t know Brett as an adult, but I will always, always remember him from our childhoods. That beautiful smile and good heart of his…. xoxo